April 02, 2007

Another Postscript to my Coming Out...

A trip that provided me with a glimpse of life as he lives his own;

and a realization that I too, am already living a life of my own...

Excitement would be an understatement as I prepared and anticipate my trip to the US; excitement for it would be my first time to travel abroad alone, my first time to the US; my first time to really have a vacation in so many years; and beneath my broadcasted reason for the month-long vacation is the anticipated reunion with my best friend, 2 years after that Epilogue.

My trip alone is a story in itself. I spent my first week alone in San Diego to attend a medical convention. I spent my free time walking alone, wandering aimlessly, exploring and simply be an innocent bystander, observing another culture and way of life; it was an experience that I would remember and appreciate more than anything else. On my first night, I found this beautiful spot, a quaint park at the far end of Orange Road in the city of Coronado, overlooking San Diego Bay; and every night for the week that I stayed there, I would quietly spend an hour or two sitting in the wooden bench looking at Downtown San Diego reminiscing on my life and times passed or simply sitting there, contemplating on nothingness as the cool breeze of wind endlessly kissed my cheeks.

view from where I sit

He called the minute he knew I have set foot in the US, checking on me, where I'm at and how I've been doing. He seemed to be incredulous that I was travelling alone, worried on what might be as I wandered on my own in a totally unfamiliar territory; I was just as surprised with how simple and enjoyable my trip has gone so far.

At the end of the week, I flew to San Francisco to have the rest of my three weeks with him as planned, much to the chagrin of several friends who came to know of my (to them) a very much welcome but unexpected arrival. I was expecting him to meet me at the airport but, much to my disappointment, it was his live-in partner who met me, for he's still at work where we briefly met on our way to his home. A room was already reserved for me in his home, his pride, a nice quiet place in the foggy side of Pacifica a short drive from Daly City where he works. I was settling down when lady, one of his friends staying with them, arrived home and as if it was already a laid-out plan, she took me for a ride, giving me my glimpse of San Francisco. Somehow, I have sensed, this would be the tone of my stay as well; his friends, alternating to bring me places; this is typical of him, not really surprising for he always rely on friends to do his bidding for him. Who am I to complain, I have completely left up to him the rest of my itinerary as I had hope he would make one, with him significantly part of it. I was wrong, that was not to be; he's working on a possible promotion and cannot possibly afford to be off work at that point. I was uncomfortable with the set up; I'm not comfortable imposing myself on anyone more so to people I do not personally know.

Nevertheless, I did enjoy myself doing nothing; it was certainly a very much welcome change doing mostly household chores: cooking, cleaning, letting out his dogs, and whatever other chores he asked me to do. I did get to see San Francisco as far as Sta. Cruz and Monterey on one end and Vacaville and Napa Valley on the other end. But I did enjoy more the times I went to downtown San Francisco on my own, commuting by train and bus; wandering on foot in the city, I even got to see Jersey Boys playing in Currant Theater. Again, he was incredulous that I insisted on exploring the city alone.

Living with him for three weeks afforded me time to know him again; which include getting to know his live-in partner and friends; his work and his boss; and his life as he lives it. We never really got the time to be alone together, except at night when we were left alone in the living room drinking as we watched pinoy series on cable; imagine me glued to pinoy telenovelas just so I can spend times with him alone; those were the only times that we were able to catch up on each other's lives. I have observed how untenable his relationship with his live-in partner is and I told him so; he confirmed that indeed theirs is on the verge of breaking up; that his partner already wanted out and that the only thing holding them together is his promise to him to support his schooling until he can make it on his own. Although it's presumptuous of me to make any opinion, I just told him that it does not look healthy for both of them. On the surface it seemed so noble, but the deeper truth is, they're both hurting in the process; for he's already loosing himself as a person; and that I cannot seem to understand on why he seemed to be holding on to a relationship that seemed to be getting nowhere. At the back of my mind, I know the answer, as I know him; he does not want to let go because he's afraid to be alone and for that, I know, he will hold on foolishly. It would be unfair of me to ask him to give up on something that to him is an anchor. It's just so unfortunate that this anchor seemed to be pulling him down to drown.

My three weeks stay with him confirmed my love for him; but I have also come to realization that he is already living a life of his own, just as I am already living a life of my own. And to say again, my love for him is now just a wish for him to find all the happiness in whatever form and whomever he will find it.