Morbid Thoughts

Morbid thoughts keep running on my mind; feels like the end is near, at least for me.

Part of mid-life crisis? mid-life blues perhaps, but a crisis? hmmmm.... ???
I don't know, I find it a bit funny in a way, but I kinda look forward actually.
No one can ever be ready for this but I guess, yeah I'm ready in a way.

This morning I got a text message from my brother informing me of an aunt's passing, she's almost 90, I think. Shortly, I received a call from my Tatay telling me the same. He then handed the phone to Nanay who repeatedly asked in a worried tone if I'm okay. She started babbling that she's been having recurring dreams of me. She was about to describe in details about her dreams but I cut her short by changing topic and just assured her I'm okay...

morbid ???
wala lang....

I recently moved into this new office that people claim has bad vibes, bad luck for all the previous occupants. The room used to be the office of all the previous company's CEOs; in the 6 year history of the company already numbering nine (9) I think. The last occupant was the most tragic, he only lasted for about 6 months, having been diagnosed with a late stage cancer on his 3rd month in office. He died soon after. In almost a month of occupying this office, I have gotten sick twice already, just the usual cough and cold type of illness, nothing serious but more than the usual that I get in a year's time, which is usually once a year or none at all. Creepy thought, but will I be another statistics to be added as another previous office occupant??? Time will tell.

mobid ???
wala lang...

All Saint's day and All Soul's day are just a week's away!
Happy Halloween!!!

Musing VII: Making a Difference

I know I'm different since I was a child; part of being different is my conscious effort to make a difference, both in what I do and in someone else's life if I could help it that way. As a child in grade school I readily identified with a friend who is crippled with polio and another crippled with burn accident. I had this connection, they being different as I am. I befriended them helped them in my own way, carrying them at my back literally and figuratively in the hope that I made a difference in their lives. I hope I did.

My stint in the seminary as a young lad in search of identity has been one of the most memorable and fulfilling for the sense I felt that I was not so much different at all. The kinship and brotherhood with the rest of the community has given me immense feeling of being one with the others more than the reality of my being different. As part of that community then and now, I know and I would like to believe I have made a difference.

As a young adult with awareness of the political, family and personal issues I have made it a point to act not with impunity but with care to make a difference. In my own way I took part in the change that was EDSA I and II. In my own way I have been a responsive and responsible classmate, leader and friend in and out of school. In my own way I have been a dutiful son, brother and uncle. Have I made a difference in that respect? I know and I believe I did.

One compelling reason why I chose medicine as my vocation was the fact that it provides me the means and responsibility to make a difference. In my practice as a doctor I always strive to bring into focus my end to make a difference more than the material gain that the profession brings. I'm no hypocrite, but the perks of being a doctor can be so tempting and rewarding that at times I lose focus; I just hope I still made a difference in those instances.

I'm already patting my own back too much; I just wish someone would tell me that indeed I made a difference. I am but just human, needing affirmation that indeed I am good and have made a difference.