Crush

A friend recently related the importance for him to have a crush on another person for him to possibly consider something more serious like love and relationship.

Crush can be defined as an overwhelming sense of attraction and admiration, mostly physical but it can be some other attributes that one so idolizes and or idealizes in another person. My other definition of crush is that the attraction should be instantaneous; to me that is the ultimate crush. Chances are, one may mistake it for love and or in other instance, the basis for love and relationship.

I really do not know if there is such a thing as rightness or wrongness of acting out on one's crush. It is true, that in a way this is the impetus that makes one act to lead it into possible romance and relationship. But sometimes if not most of the times, relationships that start this way can get stuck in this level and never goes past beyond what is supposedly idealized and move on to what is practical, more sensible and enduring part of relationship.

I started having crush way back when I was just in grade school. Most of my childhood crushes were of the opposite sex. Some of them I can still vividly remember: There is S1, a childhood playmate, a beauty with her long wavy hair, thick brows, curly lashes, fair skin and she smells so good that I would always sidled up to her whenever I had chance; I must have been one hell of a horny boy to even had those desire at that age, but my young mind was not even aware of those. What I knew then was that I must be near her whenever possible. Then there is S2, a campus sweetheart; a bit chubby but a combination of beauty and brains; she's a consistent honor student. There is M1, shy, unassuming, fragile looking girl; what really caught me were her seemingly soulful eyes. I still had my crush on her even when I was in High School. The others were really just passing fancy: M2 who was my first kiss; V because she had crush on me first; A, B, C and some other girls, I cannot remember the names anymore.

Confused as I was, I never had doubts even during those times that I was also attracted to the same sex. It's just that I didn't pay too much attention for somehow I know, it's not supposed to be. I can only remember 2 guys from way back in grade school. One is T, really cute the perennial partner of S2, but he is also a jerk. He typifies the popular but villainous jock of typical juvenile movies. And then there is E, also cute and popular guy, but down to earth and the hero type of guy, he became my best friend during that time. (The subject of Ulan Story No. 2)

My high school life was also peppered with crushes but being in the seminary I even tried to suppress it for these were not just innocent crush anymore but were already mixed with sexual malice. There is K, our own crush ng bayan, almost the whole community had a crush on her. She's one of the anticipated attractions of our Sunday activities, family day. And then there was V, one of the granddaughters of the seminary's benefactors. Let me just call her that, I just can't recall her name, my other mates would rather go for her more voluptuous sister but I cannot forget her, to me her sultry looks, her curvaceous body, mounds of a cleavage and those rounded buns that would instantly give me a hard-on whenever I see her in tight-fitting jeans; I almost creamed my pants one time she bent over with those buns just inches in front of me; but those buns I tell you have really brought me several wet dreams, I think those were the first time I had wet dreams. And what would one expect in an all boys school, not just any ordinary all boys school but a seminary. I had several crushes on my co-seminarians all of them in non-sexual way except one that really stood out, A. He is the class bully, rough, good looking and charming in his own way that made him too confident and cocky as well. I cannot forget him coz he was the very first guy who ever did touch me, sexually. I was so scared the first time he teased and played mine; he was pinning me down in bed with his big bulk (he was much bigger than I was) as I struggled to resist him; in reality I was unbelieving that this macho type of a guy was actually touching me sexually, doing it to me and in my mind I was scarily enjoying as well the jerk off he was giving me. It was more of a willing resistant that I gave him the second time he did it to me. Sexual urge and pleasure became the basis of my crush on him.

Another huge crush I had, happened when I was in College. A, named Goddess of Love, Goddess of my desire. But one problem whenever I have a huge crush is that, I instantly become a bumbling idiot, no words would come out and my mind would be blank. It was happy contentment just looking at her especially her big, sparkling eyes. She has this sweet image, very unassuming, looks that is a dead-ringer for Sharon Cuneta, I just don't know if she can sing as well. My mind told me she could be interested too, but then she could have been just accommodating to a bumbling idiot like me. I never got the chance to tell her I like her or even pursue any possibility as I transferred school after 2 years. Through all the years since, I had this nagging sense of 'what if' and 'what could have been.'

I searched: asked around people I encountered to have been connected with her one way or another. I even went back several times to that school in the hope that I would encounter people who might still be in the know about her. My luck came 6 or 7 years ago when I typed her name in one of the search engines in the net and there she was; still using her old name that means she's not married, that put my hopes up. She had several photos in her profile. She looked so different, she looked sexy and naughty in her pictures, and some were actually beguiling. Her photos showed the opposite persona I knew her to be. I took the courage and sent her an e-mail, this lead eventually to chat in the net and exchange of numbers. I got to know her on a very different light. I told her, she was completely different from the person I knew from College. She was married with 3 grown up kids and she recently just got back using her maiden name, having been legally separated for several years. She admitted being completely different, she had to, as she reasoned she had to survive a very bad marriage and she's raising 3 kids on her own. She has come a long way from her own pit of depression and lowest low. She really was a completely new person when I met her, no longer the Athena I had crush in College. I no longer have to wonder on what if and what could have been; the answer had long been buried somewhere in the past. We became friends after that and have remained friends.

I still get to have crushes. I have acted on some of them, but others remained at that, just a crush. And definitely this is one spice of life that will always be welcome in my life. I have learned my lessons: crush is my impulse of attraction but I have to see pass that for me to really say that I have love.