Signs of Times

This blog has been inspired in part by F and it's almost 2 years since. It was almost the same time I had my romance with him. Although, ours was very much a short-lived affair, I have learned a lot and come to realize things about myself, what I'm capable of in terms of love and relationship; that I'm not as inured as I had let myself believed; and that in fact I am perfectly capable of loving and committing to anothe person. I have tried to continue a friendly relation with him after we broke up, but have since almost lost communication save for occasional hi and hello electronically.

I'm a hopeless romantic and a sentimental fool that it's not atypical of me that at times I think and reminisce on good memories I had with people I have come to love or even those who I have come to be at odds. Still, I find it uniquely strange to wake up one early morning, just the other day, with a very vivid dream of F. The dream was about us meeting on a trip; sharing a wonderful time together and eventually reconnecting this chance.

I had a lot of things running in mind since that morning. One realization was that he was the last person I had sexually consummated a first date. Not that it's de rigueur for me to have sex on a date; I usually go out on a date with intention to meet a person and possibly know that person on a deeper plane and possibly explore the possibility of a relationship; if sex happen on the date, it was because of the moment and certainly not forced upon. In a sort of foolish way, this has become my gauge as well of possible relationship in the offing, if the date would be sexually consummated on the first date. As a result of failed relationships that started this way I had since resolved to avoid sex on a first date, with the thinking that sex, probably is not a good way to start a relationship. And I had since then, consciously avoided sex on a first date; but just the same the result was more dismal than encouraging.

And so on that morning, oh well, that is me, over-analyzing and superstitiously connecting chance and events again; have taken it that perhaps it is a sign that I should go back to my old ways with regard to my self-imposed rules on dates and just let the moment take me wherever the date would lead to. There's no use tempting the fate to go against what's supposed to happen; if sex is part of it so be it.

The superstitious in me, left my mind wondering on what could also be happening to him. That afternoon, I sent an e-mail message to him; that I have dreamt of him and that I hope he's okay in a way. He responded with surprise to my message, that he's okay and that he recently moved residence, giving out his new place. The place he gave was in the same area I had recently moved. This thought got me so excited that I sent him a txt message that we have become almost neighbours. He responded in a positive way, though neither of us exactly knows how near or far each of us is. It got me so riled up that my mind just went into possible modes. I asked myself repeatedly, do I still love him? Do I still have feelings for him? The question put a stop to my train of thoughts. The answer from the time we parted has not changed since, yes I still do have feelings for him, and my love for him is still there. I have to rein myself, and be reminded of my initial resolved when we parted: Painful as it may have been to let him go and painful as it may be still, I have to let him be. Yes, there is no question, I still do love him, but as I have let him flown away, I cannot win him back, I can only hope for him to come back. I can sense he is not coming back. I can only hope...

Serendipitously, as I have come to that resolved and as I was about to retire for the night I received a forwarded text message, the end of which reads... "learn how to let go and move on..."

Uncanny signs indeed... :)