The Pathology of Stupid Me

Another tale dredged from the bin. I wrote this way back when I was livid with rage. I reworked and tone it down, but the rage is still there for the sake of the story. It's now just a story to be told, nothing more.

It was just a day after Christmas and work in the hospital was slow as usual during this time of year. I spent most the day in the office cleaning my year's clutters. A message popped in my G4M inbox; a message of invitation coming from someone who is alone and wanting company that night for a chat over what is supposedly leftover Christmas feasts and drinks. I agreed, despite the anonymity. Instinct told me he could be a good guy based on the exchange of messages we had; the way he phrased those messages and the way he answered my queries. Phone number was exchanged and we had a brief talk; he gave me direction to his place and we finally set the time. I agreed not expecting on anything except to have someone to talk to and satisfy as well my curiosity on who could be this guy who would invite a complete stranger to his home.

I rang his doorbell on the appointed time, way ahead of the supposedly dinner time. The door opened to a portly, Chinese-looking, bald guy; not exactly my type of guy. I could sense that I'm not his type either. I did not have any expectation and his demeanor on how he received me in his home so far did not alarm me of anything that would make me think otherwise. We had an engaging talk that extended to dinner, which turned out to be heated canned foods, as opposed to what he mentioned as Christmas feast leftovers and non-alcoholic wine for drinks; as it turned out he does not take alcoholic drinks. He doesn't smoke either but he let me smoke in his veranda; though weeks later he would make a big deal about smoking and how he really hated it and so on that from then on I really made sure not to smoke when we were together.

As the night wore on, he asked me at some point what I think of him so far. I told him, he seemed to be a nice guy, generous to have invited me in his home for dinner but I also told him I found him "mayabang" for the incessant talk about himself, bragging about how "made" he is that he can afford to retire and not work anymore; although, he won't divulge what he used to do for a living. He showed me his collection of paintings which included paintings of known Filipino masters the size of which could run to hundreds of thousands pesos and so I believed him; yes maybe he's "made" as he claimed. He also talked about how tired he is of guys taking advantage of him; he paying for this and that. I can only mutter to myself, I'm not one of those guys; I'll never be one of those guys; I have my own money, it may not be much, but I don't think I have taken advantage of anyone and would never take advantage of anyone. After telling him of my impression, I asked him the same and his comments were the usual comments I get, that I'm quiet, reserved etc. I cannot recall any more details of what he mentioned coz as he repeatedly mention that he invited me for chat dinner, drinks and nothing more; something more happened that night.

We continued seeing each other after that night. I have come to know the stories about his past (no. 1) and present (no. 2); the present who apparently caused the break-up of his past, with whom he is supposedly still in constant contact and still not completely over with. Apparently he's having problem with the present and in fact their situation is in sort of limbo-land. Those details did not surfaced during our first meeting, the only thing he mentioned was that he was in between relationship; this certainly is big time news to me. I jokingly asked "...that makes me no. 3 man?"

He casually replied "no, you're not even no. 3; in fact you're not even in the list yet."

Ouch! What a big slap on my face, I assumed wrongly that there could be something more between us. We started on the no expectation basis and so it was not really that hard for me to continue the communication more for friendship as we get along that line just fine; no other sexual encounter happened between us after that first night; and certainly one thing is clear on my mind; getting involve with someone who is still with someone is not my cup of tea.

A couple of weeks after that first meeting he told me that he finally called it quits with no. 2, apparently over money matters. Is this a sign for a possible chance? And so I asked him casually, "does it mean I'm moving up the list?"

He replied, nonchalantly "I'll think about it, if you can fill the slot. Besides, how can we be together when you have not even courted me?" Ouch again!

I really don't know what has gotten into me but I persisted and made an effort to make good impression. I have included him in my sphere; invited him to dinner dates with my friends. I was just disappointed when he left early; I have invited him to the pre-valentine's dinner party of the hospital, first time I have invited and allowed someone a glimpse of my other world; we had a post-valentine dinner as well, as he did not want to go out on valentine's day apparently because of the onslaught of people also having dinner date, but as it turned out he had valentine's dinner with no. 2. He refused another dinner date with my friends, as he claimed he does not really like the company; no big deal for me, for I know I can never force anyone to be friend with my friends.

Another slap on my face came when he told me about a week or so later that Valentine's week that he reconciled with no. 2. I did not made any comments, but he must have sensed my disappointment for he reminded me that he had told me not to fall for him; that in the first place we have agreed that we're just going to be friends; that from the very start he made it clear that he doesn't want to get involve with me. I really don't know what has become of me to be so blinded to have succumbed to a false hope. And so, from that time on I really tried to bring myself to be just friends with him and have erased any more notions that there could be something more.

We still continued our friendship. Somehow I became comfortable with him as a friend. That is one thing I like about him, we argue but still I feel comfortable with him; we converse simply but sensibly. He does not have a regular circle of friends, as he claimed most of them have migrated someplace else, and that I'm now one of the few friends that he can regularly hang out with. Our meet up became infrequent when I began my study review for specialty board examination. I promised him that should I pass the specialty board, I will bring him with me in my planned trip to Bali. I passed the Board and I did bring him to Bali as I promised.

It was already night time when we arrived in Bali. We went out for a walk in the beach as soon as we have unpacked our luggage. As we were walking back to the hotel I playfully jumped on his back and gave him a bear hug. I really don't know if he was serious or was just joking but nevertheless, I got offended when he told me not to come too close, that I'm already making a pass on him, that we have agreed to be just friends and that the only reason his no. 1 and no. 2 agreed for him to come with me was because he promised that nothing would happen between us. I was taken aback, but just the same I said sorry, that there was nothing really to it but deep inside, I really felt like shit. I felt so low with his insinuation that my reason on why I have brought him with me was for me to have a hand on him, and that the trip was sort of a bribe for me to have my way with him. I never told him how I felt, I just remained quiet during the remainder of our walk back to the hotel; he commented that he seemed like talking to no one, that I'm not paying attention to him. I said to myself, okay that's what you'll get from me and so I walked ahead of him, went directly to our room, took a shower and slept. The following morning, sensing that he won't even make the first move to speak, I gave in and said sorry again. In my mind I just don't want to ruin the rest of the trip. The rest of the trip went on with no more spats, we slept on separate beds. Did something happen during the trip? Yes, I playfully teased him and he succumbed each time. A horny bitch was what he thought of me, and so I played the horny bitch part to the hilt.

When we got back from the trip I have resolved to keep a certain distance. But then I think the expectation turned around; he expected more from me, he'd text and quizzed me on why I was not telling him my whereabouts; he'd ask if I miss him, before I usually said yes, but this time I said no, not anymore. I can go on for a couple of days without any communications with him, but when that happens, he'd initiate for us to meet, have dinner or just go out. I started seeking out again; I met a couple of guys from G4M. I mentioned this to him and he bugged me to tell him who these guys are. I gave him their aliases and he must have checked them out for he commented about these guys with disdain. I told him, I'm just meeting them not sleeping with them; I was trying to explore again. I really don't know what to think but he's giving me mixed signals. When he talks, he now talks of "us" and "our" he now plans with "us" and "our."

He promised to set me up with a guy he knows; someone he says is way better than those guys I am dating. He made true his promise, he introduced me to this guy over dinner; but then I was amused, he claimed he wanted to pair me up with this guy and yet he was the one who completely took over the dinner conversation. And after the dinner, he readily offered this guy to stay over at his place for the night, which he never, not even once offered me. In my mind, hello!!! You're paring me up with this guy and you're the one who gets to bring him home. Whoa! I really don't know what to make of this.

He started doing things with me which he did not want to do before. Out of the blue he wanted to come with me in the mass, which he never did before; he's a Buddhist as he claimed. Out of the blue he wanted to come and play badminton with my group. Out of the blue he wanted to invite my friends for dinner. He knows I regularly had dinner with my friends after the badminton games. Where on earth are all these coming from and where is this going to. Okay, maybe he really just would like to be one of the guys. So I acceded and agreed with what he wanted, I thought this would also be a good way for him to widen his circle of friends.

He planned to host an after badminton dinner treat for my friends. He made his dinner plan the day before, it was his first time to cook for a group and he's not too confident about his cooking, so he requested that I do not make the invitation yet. He said he'll give the invitation himself when he's sure that what he prepared would be good enough. That was perfectly fine with me; it's his place and he has all the right to extend the invitation. On that day, on our way to the badminton game, he mentioned that something was not right with what he prepared. He did not elaborate; I did not probed him either and just presumed that he did not want to proceed with his planned dinner. I just enjoyed my games and I saw him playing and enjoying the games with some other newbie's as well. But apparently during the course of the games he mentioned the plan to one of my friends and had actually given the invitation; he never told me that he did.

On our way back to his place, I was waiting for him to make the invitation for my friends who are riding with us in the car but again I didn't hear him extend any invitation. As I dropped him off in his place, he did extend an invitation but only for me to come back after I dropped off my other friends in the mall. I begged off that I will be heading home soon after a quick dinner in the mall. It was only when we were at the mall that my friend whom he had mention about the dinner told me about the supposed earlier invitation. At that point I expected that he would be mad at me for this and so it was not a surprise anymore when I got an angry txt message from him; but still I was surprised with the message "sorry, can't help it, but would like to know if you're still interested to keep me as your friend. Or do you prefer we go our separate ways?"

I did not reply at once, I was driving; as soon as I reached home I called his number, but he wouldn't take any of my calls. I texted him "of course, we're friends. What seems to be the problem?" I purposely did not mention that I have already known his earlier invitation to my friends; in my mind I just wanted for him to tell me so I can pounce on him for not telling me; but he did not reply either. Finally I texted him again this time with a long message "I just found out from my friend that you have actually extended the invitation for dinner (which you never told me). It was your instruction for me not to tell them as you would like to be the one to extend the invitation depending on the outcome of what you have prepared (to which I have complied and never told any of my friends about it). When you mentioned before the start of the games that something went wrong with what you have prepared, I assumed that you did not want to proceed with the dinner anymore. My assumption was further bolstered when I did not hear you mention this the whole time we were in the badminton center neither when we were in the car on our way back. I'm sorry for that wrong assumption, I should have asked, but you also led me to second guessing as you did not mention anything either. Again, I'm sorry!"

He replied after some time with a message: "It has nothing to do with the invitation or dinner. My problem with you is your insensitivity. I'm trying to cheer up every moment we were together but to no avail. I feel I'm out of place in your life. The whole time we were in badminton center you did not speak to me; I felt so stupid; I wanted to play with you but you did not put any effort to do so." He followed it up with: "You're so good at taking care of your friends. I give up on you. I'm tired. Anyway, thanks for the moments. Take care."

I was stunned; I didn't know how to react. Was I really that so bad and insensitive. Why these seemingly sudden expectations? I just texted him back: "I'm sorry if that's how you feel; to be honest yes, I'm consciously trying to keep distance coz we've decided to remain friends and yet I'm getting these mixed signals; it's confusing. Again I'm sorry, though I really would want to continue our friendship, I respect whatever it is that you decide"

He replied "what mixed signal? We have talked about this; I'm taking care of you coz you're my friend. That's why I introduced you to this guy, but look at what you did? I hope you two would get along well, coz I don't want you to be taken advantage of. I value you as a friend since I don't have any more friends here." He followed up "I have told you this before. This goes back to our first night in Bali, you've been like this. I've been so patient with you out of gratitude to you."

I never replied anymore, I think I have said enough.

I have made a fool of myself enough.

I really must move on.

I have moved on...