Epilogue to my Coming Out
“My Coming Out” has been a major turning point. I have come to terms with my self; my own self-acceptance more than anything else. What happened since then? What did I really want to achieve and what have I realized with that coming out? These are the questions I’d like to probe as I retrace back the 2 years since.
Communication did not stop after the “matagal ko ng alam yun” conversation. Life continued as it was albeit more openly. We did not probe deeper into our revelations just as no regret was ever expressed over what could have been. He reconciled with his guy and I continued my own search. He came home for vacation more than a year after that revelation. I anticipated his homecoming with mixed feeling of nervousness and excitement. Excitement, for we’ll be seeing each other after five long years. Nervousness for despite the conversations we had over the phone and in the net, each other’s comfort would still need to be realized when we come face to face.
I arrived at the airport just in time as he was walking out of the arrival area gate. He looked just the same, except for some excess baggage in the belly. The initial meeting was a bit uneasy: I didn’t know whether to hug him or not; in the end we just gave each other a firm handshake and a pat in the back. The morning sun was just up; the clime was just fine and right; everything looks perfectly fine that is until he starts complaining how humid it was, how expensive the breakfast we had, how heavier I looked since he last saw me; how pathetically boring I was… Oh well, everything was indeed alright, we’re back to our brutal banters, so typical of us, our own carino brutal. We spent the rest of the day running errands mostly. We never had a chance to really spend time together; we initially planned to have an out of town trip but I have work to do and he felt compelled to do the errands for his elder sister and brother who also came home a week apart of each other. We just contented seeing each other doing groceries, running errands and having dinner here and there. We even had a spat one time: we were supposed to meet in a mall for dinner, I came a bit late and had mixed up instructions on where to meet that we ended up not meeting at all; he just walked out and I let him. We did not speak to each other for a day; we just continued as if nothing happened when he texted me to pick him up to go to mass and have dinner the following day. So typical of us, no one ever said sorry for anything and it was just a few days before he leaves. I absent myself from work on the day he was to leave. We did some last minute errands and shopping. We said our sorry on our way to the airport; that is before a litany of lament: him to me for not making time, not planning on my leaves to be with him; me to him for announcing to everyone of his coming that everyone seemed to have taken advantage of, leaving him no time really but to do errands. Our promise: next time I’ll file my leaves ahead of time and he’s not to tell anyone he’s going home, so he can really have a vacation. We briefly hugged as I left him at the airport. We still keep in touch, now sharing more openly each other’s pains and triumph. He still lives with his guy and I have done another “stupid me” and have met my current and hopefully lasting muse of reflections. We have remained the best of friends more than ever.
Letting go it seemed was what I was about to do when I decided to come clean to him. Looking back it really seemed to be a very big risk, the risk of possibly loosing our friendship. Besides, it has always been at the back of my mind that I can never really love another person, to be straightforward, refuse to truly love another person because of him; that loving another person would be tantamount to betrayal of my love for him. This reasoning has always held me back in my previous attempt at relationships; I have always reserved a part of me for him, in case he does feel the same way and reciprocate. And that the only way for me to move on is to confront and risk everything that I have always considered so dear to me. My point was that, if ever he would not reciprocate, then that would give me the reason to move on and possibly find love in another person. However, looking back this has not been the end of it all. I realized that coming out to him was not really an act of ‘letting go’ but merely an act of redeeming the part of our friendship that has been cast in doubt. It has freed me from my own, self-imposed shackle of emotional blackmail; that loving another person would never be a betrayal on my part; and that in fact, refusing to truly love another person would be more of a betrayal of my being as a person. I have come to realize that yes; I am perfectly capable of loving another person. But that another person must also come to realize and accept the whole of me; accept that I have loved him and will always love him because he has become a part of me, he is a part of what I have become… who I am now. I have proven it when I let my self become so stupid because of A. And that realization became even more evident when I met F: it is only now that I realized that I have to borrow will’s word “freed myself from the world of unexpressed emotions…” when I no longer hold back and have in fact allowed myself to be so immersed and truly give what I have, sincerely.
pj
June 5, 2006)
“My Coming Out” has been a major turning point. I have come to terms with my self; my own self-acceptance more than anything else. What happened since then? What did I really want to achieve and what have I realized with that coming out? These are the questions I’d like to probe as I retrace back the 2 years since.
Communication did not stop after the “matagal ko ng alam yun” conversation. Life continued as it was albeit more openly. We did not probe deeper into our revelations just as no regret was ever expressed over what could have been. He reconciled with his guy and I continued my own search. He came home for vacation more than a year after that revelation. I anticipated his homecoming with mixed feeling of nervousness and excitement. Excitement, for we’ll be seeing each other after five long years. Nervousness for despite the conversations we had over the phone and in the net, each other’s comfort would still need to be realized when we come face to face.
I arrived at the airport just in time as he was walking out of the arrival area gate. He looked just the same, except for some excess baggage in the belly. The initial meeting was a bit uneasy: I didn’t know whether to hug him or not; in the end we just gave each other a firm handshake and a pat in the back. The morning sun was just up; the clime was just fine and right; everything looks perfectly fine that is until he starts complaining how humid it was, how expensive the breakfast we had, how heavier I looked since he last saw me; how pathetically boring I was… Oh well, everything was indeed alright, we’re back to our brutal banters, so typical of us, our own carino brutal. We spent the rest of the day running errands mostly. We never had a chance to really spend time together; we initially planned to have an out of town trip but I have work to do and he felt compelled to do the errands for his elder sister and brother who also came home a week apart of each other. We just contented seeing each other doing groceries, running errands and having dinner here and there. We even had a spat one time: we were supposed to meet in a mall for dinner, I came a bit late and had mixed up instructions on where to meet that we ended up not meeting at all; he just walked out and I let him. We did not speak to each other for a day; we just continued as if nothing happened when he texted me to pick him up to go to mass and have dinner the following day. So typical of us, no one ever said sorry for anything and it was just a few days before he leaves. I absent myself from work on the day he was to leave. We did some last minute errands and shopping. We said our sorry on our way to the airport; that is before a litany of lament: him to me for not making time, not planning on my leaves to be with him; me to him for announcing to everyone of his coming that everyone seemed to have taken advantage of, leaving him no time really but to do errands. Our promise: next time I’ll file my leaves ahead of time and he’s not to tell anyone he’s going home, so he can really have a vacation. We briefly hugged as I left him at the airport. We still keep in touch, now sharing more openly each other’s pains and triumph. He still lives with his guy and I have done another “stupid me” and have met my current and hopefully lasting muse of reflections. We have remained the best of friends more than ever.
Letting go it seemed was what I was about to do when I decided to come clean to him. Looking back it really seemed to be a very big risk, the risk of possibly loosing our friendship. Besides, it has always been at the back of my mind that I can never really love another person, to be straightforward, refuse to truly love another person because of him; that loving another person would be tantamount to betrayal of my love for him. This reasoning has always held me back in my previous attempt at relationships; I have always reserved a part of me for him, in case he does feel the same way and reciprocate. And that the only way for me to move on is to confront and risk everything that I have always considered so dear to me. My point was that, if ever he would not reciprocate, then that would give me the reason to move on and possibly find love in another person. However, looking back this has not been the end of it all. I realized that coming out to him was not really an act of ‘letting go’ but merely an act of redeeming the part of our friendship that has been cast in doubt. It has freed me from my own, self-imposed shackle of emotional blackmail; that loving another person would never be a betrayal on my part; and that in fact, refusing to truly love another person would be more of a betrayal of my being as a person. I have come to realize that yes; I am perfectly capable of loving another person. But that another person must also come to realize and accept the whole of me; accept that I have loved him and will always love him because he has become a part of me, he is a part of what I have become… who I am now. I have proven it when I let my self become so stupid because of A. And that realization became even more evident when I met F: it is only now that I realized that I have to borrow will’s word “freed myself from the world of unexpressed emotions…” when I no longer hold back and have in fact allowed myself to be so immersed and truly give what I have, sincerely.
pj
June 5, 2006)
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