Today, I have just revised my blog, removed “stupid me” but then I realized, the first “stupid me” was really an essential part of the journey I’m taking now; that was my coming out story that gave me all these current realization…
It has also served as impetus to others. When I initially posted it (August 2004) in one of the yahoo groups, I received a lot of inspiring comments, a couple of them thanking me, for the story served as their own impetus…
And so I’m reposting the first “stupid me” re-titled “my coming out…” I have included some of the comments; including one particular letter…
MY COMING OUT....
I have a best friend for a little more than 15 years now. Our friendship dates back when we were classmates in college, back in the mid to late 80s. We did not actually hit it off right the first time. He was with his own set of barkadas already and I was just a new transferee in the school. My first impression of him was he was mayabang in all sense of the word, including his circle of friends who are loud and territorial with him obviously as their center attraction. I can’t recall anymore what happened next, but we eventually gravitated towards each other. We became close that his friends begun saying nasty remarks about me. They never got what they wanted; he stuck it out with me. When finally they realized they would not have it their way, they grudgingly accepted me to their group and I did the same. We were one happy class after that; with his good looks and charm, he was always the center of attention; and I was always at his side the nerdy and mataray one, having stamped my own presence in the class. We were quiet a pair, perfect example of opposite attracts. We were inseparable during those times, at school and even off school.
Things changed after graduation when we had to go on separately. We both wanted the same career path; unfortunately he never got the grade to make it. I wanted to stop then, but he pushed me to go on. He pursued another course while I went on with my own. Communication was reduced to telephone calls and occasional hang out at the mall for dinner and movie. This eventually led to tampuhan over something I can’t even recall now. The wall was only broken when he called to invite me on his oath taking after he passed the board exam. Just like in old times, I volunteered to help him prepare his dinner celebration. Well, that was his faith in me to whip out edible, delectable dishes. During the night when most of his guests were already leaving and while I was checking the food, he hugged me from behind, kissed me in the cheek and whispered “I love you my friend and thanks for everything.” Actually he said that after rambling and mumbling some other things about the food and his guests. I jokingly replied, “Yeah, you’re just too drunk.” He nodded, quickly retreated and went on to see some more of his guests off. That was enough for me. I’ll never forget that instance; one rare moment he openly expressed his care, for he is one guy who instantly recoils at the very first instance of mushiness.
That day started us going on again. He started working, and I became busy again with my training, that we lost track of each other save for occasional telephone conversations and seeing each other on special occasions. We eventually lost track of each other for a year or two until the week before he was to leave for work abroad. He called to say he was leaving and left me with some of his things. Internet was not yet so popular back then that our communication was through postal mail once a month. I would keep him bored with my toxic life here, but never had the guts to tell him on my “other” escapades; he would always tell me how proud he was of me every time I complained of all the hardships I had to go through. He traveled a lot on his vacation leaves but made sure to come home at least once a year for the three or four years that he worked overseas. Every time he came home he would make sure I know of the exact date and that a week had gone by before he announced to his other friends that he’s home. Though he would grumble that I had no time for him, (I was still in training back then); he would patiently wait for me to finish my work before he bugs me to rush home for dinner he prepared or any take out that I bought. For the most part, we would just spend time watching movies or downing booze in the bars, pouring his heart out, his frustrations and his plans and dreams he would want to accomplish. In it, there would always be some part for me; and every time I would just laugh it off, dismiss it without saying a word.
The last time he was home was during the middle of “EDSA dos.” He was heartbroken: He came home supposedly to marry his girlfriend. He came complete with an expensive wedding ring. I was to stand as his best man. They never got married coz the girl’s family does not want him and even looked down upon him. She did not want to be disowned by her family, so she compromised to postpone the wedding until her family can learn to accept him. Sensing the girl would not even fight for him, he broke it off altogether. I was caught in the middle; the girl would constantly call on me. First hand, she told me how much she did not like me (though we’ve met only once); that she felt insecure with all the things she got to know about me through him, that she cannot compete with me for his trust, but that she had no choice but get to me if she wanted him back. In all my katarayan I told her ‘yeah, I know him better than you do; we’ve been friends for so long and you only came when, the last 2-3 years?” Nevertheless, I promised her I’d try my best to patch things up. I did, but I can only give my own perspective; I never pushed anyone to do things that one cannot accept and decide on their own. So he went back to work without anything clear. After 6 months he moved to US when he got his working visa. He would constantly call me to check on her: to pass on a message, to give her his number and vice versa. All of these I did dutifully, at some point it stopped, maybe due to exasperation or they must have seen its futility.
He would still constantly call and send e-mail messages (thank god, he finally learned how to use the internet). Messages became peppered with ‘miss you,’ ‘love you’ and ‘love you more.’ I started it and it seemed perfectly okay with him so it was a non-issue at all. He’s been bugging me to come visit him since he can’t go home until he has his green card. If I had the time and money, I would have done so, a long time ago. He always jokingly says that I have to save up and get my own place so he can come home for good and just stay with me as his alalay; that I have to make it good so I can take care of him. He always took care of me when we were still studying. I was always tempted to say something to ride on his joke, if it was indeed just a joke but, as always, I never said a word.
He never failed to call on special occasions, I even commented on his perfect timing for he would also call during the times that I have problems or when I’m down. So that when he failed to call on my last birthday, I e-mailed him how he could have forgotten, not even a card this time, which he usually sends weeks in advance. He still did not call, but replied thru e-mail that he did not forget, he was sorry but he was just so depressed over loosing someone, he just broke off with a guy. A guy? I was shocked, nah, more of surprised; not that I didn’t know or was completely clueless, but this was the first time he broke the barrier of our assumption; the ‘I know that you know that I know’ kind of assumption. Never have we discussed openly this part of our lives, it was always implied, or so I thought; none of us had the courage to say it openly until now. I didn’t know how to respond, so I nonchalantly e-mailed back okay and gave him my spiel on love and relationship. That relationship takes more than love to hold it together, that what is important is to end it while there’s still love, there is no use going on a relationship if there’s no more happiness in it, if one is miserable. I had to pound him with messages to move on, I just don’t know if I was getting through; weeks passed until I think, they got back together.
Finally, he called a month or so later; he was unusually serious. He confirmed they are still together, but he’s still not so happy. And at the same breath he also said he is contented and happy. That he is ready to die because he already got what he wished for: his own place, car, money, well paying job and in a matter of days his green card and “I have you and my family” I was struck by his words, he is contented and happy, because he has me? He did not say him, he said ‘you,’ and that is me… me… me! Oh well, so typical of me, I got scared and did not pursue, instead I asked him what’s in him that he can’t seem to move on. He did not say anything except to say he is still confused on what he really wants. He then jokingly said “ikaw kasi, di mo ako isinasama sa plano mo.” And on a more serious tone he added, that he is ready to give up everything he has to move back here. I got so tongue-tied; I did not really know how to handle everything. I only said, “lobat na ako” well that was true, we’ve been talking for more than an hour on my drive home, but I could have just run up to my room to charge that damn phone. I was already slumped sitting in the front step of our home. Stupid me, what was I thinking about?
I did not sleep well that night and the night after that and the night after that… I kept on thinking what I could have said. I could have told him everything: about how I feel; about how I could not keep on completely committing my self to anyone else because of him; how I always wished we’d end up together, grow old together; how much I love and care for him. I never really cared how he would take it, if he would reciprocate what I feel for him, if ever he would reject me. But so stupid of me, I can never get the courage to tell him that. He asked me if I’m ready to face death now as he is. I told him no., but I did not tell him the reason why. I did not have the courage to tell as he openly did. I still have to tell him everything before I can completely say that yes, I too am contented and happy as you are.
I could have said this and that… I could have done this and that… I could have…
These are simple words that kept on ringing on my mind, an afterthought that offers endless possibilities. Possibilities that are real and imagined blurred of any distinction on what is true and not. What is true anyway? What he says I believe is true, but what about the things left unsaid? They must also be true for how can they be imagined when I feel otherwise.
Ahhh, feeling! That is it! I was so soaked up with so many reasons my mind dictates that I forgot to recognize the most basic peculiarity a human being has: emotion, feeling. Reason has made me so inured. Yes, it has brought me where I am now, but am I completely happy? Shall I now let my instinct rule my mind? I could have… this and that, but what if fate really dictates what happened? What if, it was really meant to be that way? Am I going against the tide of destiny if I acted on what I could have said and done? What is destiny anyway, my destiny? Oh yes, my destiny is my journey, a journey with all the risks, which I was not willing to take, too afraid to take. I have toyed around with my destiny far too long. I now have to take the journey lain out before me; risk is nothing but just a part of it
The alchemist has said that the universe shall conspire to realize one’s dream; all you need to do is listen to whatever your heart dictates. So listen I did to my heart, though my mind said otherwise; and write a letter I did. (I thought of including here the letter I sent him but decided not to, I already sent it to him as my ‘gift’ so it’s not for me to share anymore). In that letter I too, finally broke the barrier of our assumption. I told him I wanted to come clean, to reclaim my pride of being honest and true especially to him. I admitted my being not so straight as an arrow; I admitted how much I love and care for him; that my love wishes him all the happiness he can find in whatever form and whomever this he will find; and that the only thing I can give him is my undying friendship and love.
It took me days and the completion of the first part of this story before I can hit the send button. That is it. I cannot do what ricky davao’s character did in ‘American Adobo’ - fly all the way from New York to Manila just in time to intercept a letter. I finally did it! Did I felt relieved? In a way yes, I became calm and happy despite being fidgety at times with all the thoughts, questions and, unknown possibilities that came rushing into my mind.
Everything is done but the waiting… and more waiting. I never left my phone out of my sight just in case he calls. It has to be fully charged all the time just in case… I must not accept other call just in case… I have to get out past from the basement parking where there is no signal just in case… I have to sleep with my phone beside me just in case… But a day has passed and there was no call. I must have hit that send/receive button a hundred times the following day just to make sure I was not missing anything. But no e-mail message either. Oh, yeah! He said he’ll be working double shift this week, so that must be it, he must be just too tired to log on and check his mail. Another day has gone by and still no response. I started cursing myself… what have I done? Did I scare him? Did I just loose my very best friend? I should have just left everything as it was, maybe that was really my destiny and I tried to alter it. Maybe I should have just taken comfort with the assumption; at least I would still have that glimmer of hope unlike now when I must have already lost everything. So many other questions came and went unanswered or came with more questions but still with no answer. Even morbid thoughts came rushing in: Isn’t it that he spoke of death when he told me he was contented and happy? Is it possible that…? Was it his premonition, his last…? Oh god, please no!!! I can never forgive myself… I have to call him; I have to call him to make sure he’s okay. Did he change his cell number? Why is it not on service? I have forgotten his landline; damn that’s what I get for expecting him to always make the call. He must be okay; if he is not his family must have already been all over his place and his brother or one of his sisters must have already called me by now, that is if they still got my number. Hey! What am I thinking about? Maybe he has not read it yet. Maybe he is still too tired with all the work he has not log on for quiet sometime. Or maybe, he must have already read it and I was wrong and he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Maybe…. maybe…
By the third day I was already resigned with my fate, whatever it may be. I must give him time, all the time he needs if time can heal the wound and pain I must have caused him. But how could he, after all these years? Another 2 days has passed still no call or e-mail message from him; life has to go on. I have to move on, that’s my mind telling me, but my heart says hang on. I can do nothing more but just wait. Finally, I got a call on the fifth day, just a short call, I was in the mall having dinner after pouring my heart out in the EDSA shrine, and he was just up readying for work: He said, “What’s new?” I nearly choked on the food I was eating the first time I said hello! After some more pleasantries he asked again, “what’s new”? To my mind, oh that’s my cue, how stupid of me!
And so I asked, “the e-mail I sent you, have you read it? Isn’t that new”? I can literally hear my heartbeat, waiting for the answer, which did not really take so long. He replied simply, “matagal ko ng alam yun”
“Ahhhh…” that was me heaving a sigh of relief.
“and so?” I wanted to probe more.
He just repeated what he said, “matagal ko ng alam” then added, “I’m still confused on what I really want.” I don’t really know if it was just me who kept on hearing it repeatedly on my head or he really said again the words “matagal ko ng alam.” He kept on rambling on, but my head was already swimming god knows where. Then it dawned on me, how foolish of me? How could I have doubted him? Love need not be discussed between us. Love speaks for itself, in its own language that we have understood long ago. Just like the comfort of silence we have come to accept between us. How foolish of me, I have told him this a long time ago; that one true test of our friendship has been the level of comfort we have achieved; that we no longer feel uncomfortable with silent pause between us; when silence does not compel anyone of us to say anything just to fill a void, for there is really no void to fill. Just the mere presence of being together is enough to fill any void; there is already a connection that no words can ever fill and he understood this, I have just forgotten; and now I remember, clearly. Love is the same thing; it is never discussed coz no words can ever capture the boundless emotion that one truly feels.
Although, he never said it in so many words, I understood him well. I need not ask him so many questions. I have gone through the same phase and it is only he who can resolve that inner conflict in him. I can never force him on anything; I know that somehow he really is happy knowing it by heart that we have, and will always have each other; and knowing and understanding this makes me immensely happy as well.
Well that is as far as the story goes for now, there is still no ‘the end’ for as I write this, the story still continues. I’m looking forward to the day of his homecoming, just like in old days.
pj August 2004
It has also served as impetus to others. When I initially posted it (August 2004) in one of the yahoo groups, I received a lot of inspiring comments, a couple of them thanking me, for the story served as their own impetus…
And so I’m reposting the first “stupid me” re-titled “my coming out…” I have included some of the comments; including one particular letter…
MY COMING OUT....
I have a best friend for a little more than 15 years now. Our friendship dates back when we were classmates in college, back in the mid to late 80s. We did not actually hit it off right the first time. He was with his own set of barkadas already and I was just a new transferee in the school. My first impression of him was he was mayabang in all sense of the word, including his circle of friends who are loud and territorial with him obviously as their center attraction. I can’t recall anymore what happened next, but we eventually gravitated towards each other. We became close that his friends begun saying nasty remarks about me. They never got what they wanted; he stuck it out with me. When finally they realized they would not have it their way, they grudgingly accepted me to their group and I did the same. We were one happy class after that; with his good looks and charm, he was always the center of attention; and I was always at his side the nerdy and mataray one, having stamped my own presence in the class. We were quiet a pair, perfect example of opposite attracts. We were inseparable during those times, at school and even off school.
Things changed after graduation when we had to go on separately. We both wanted the same career path; unfortunately he never got the grade to make it. I wanted to stop then, but he pushed me to go on. He pursued another course while I went on with my own. Communication was reduced to telephone calls and occasional hang out at the mall for dinner and movie. This eventually led to tampuhan over something I can’t even recall now. The wall was only broken when he called to invite me on his oath taking after he passed the board exam. Just like in old times, I volunteered to help him prepare his dinner celebration. Well, that was his faith in me to whip out edible, delectable dishes. During the night when most of his guests were already leaving and while I was checking the food, he hugged me from behind, kissed me in the cheek and whispered “I love you my friend and thanks for everything.” Actually he said that after rambling and mumbling some other things about the food and his guests. I jokingly replied, “Yeah, you’re just too drunk.” He nodded, quickly retreated and went on to see some more of his guests off. That was enough for me. I’ll never forget that instance; one rare moment he openly expressed his care, for he is one guy who instantly recoils at the very first instance of mushiness.
That day started us going on again. He started working, and I became busy again with my training, that we lost track of each other save for occasional telephone conversations and seeing each other on special occasions. We eventually lost track of each other for a year or two until the week before he was to leave for work abroad. He called to say he was leaving and left me with some of his things. Internet was not yet so popular back then that our communication was through postal mail once a month. I would keep him bored with my toxic life here, but never had the guts to tell him on my “other” escapades; he would always tell me how proud he was of me every time I complained of all the hardships I had to go through. He traveled a lot on his vacation leaves but made sure to come home at least once a year for the three or four years that he worked overseas. Every time he came home he would make sure I know of the exact date and that a week had gone by before he announced to his other friends that he’s home. Though he would grumble that I had no time for him, (I was still in training back then); he would patiently wait for me to finish my work before he bugs me to rush home for dinner he prepared or any take out that I bought. For the most part, we would just spend time watching movies or downing booze in the bars, pouring his heart out, his frustrations and his plans and dreams he would want to accomplish. In it, there would always be some part for me; and every time I would just laugh it off, dismiss it without saying a word.
The last time he was home was during the middle of “EDSA dos.” He was heartbroken: He came home supposedly to marry his girlfriend. He came complete with an expensive wedding ring. I was to stand as his best man. They never got married coz the girl’s family does not want him and even looked down upon him. She did not want to be disowned by her family, so she compromised to postpone the wedding until her family can learn to accept him. Sensing the girl would not even fight for him, he broke it off altogether. I was caught in the middle; the girl would constantly call on me. First hand, she told me how much she did not like me (though we’ve met only once); that she felt insecure with all the things she got to know about me through him, that she cannot compete with me for his trust, but that she had no choice but get to me if she wanted him back. In all my katarayan I told her ‘yeah, I know him better than you do; we’ve been friends for so long and you only came when, the last 2-3 years?” Nevertheless, I promised her I’d try my best to patch things up. I did, but I can only give my own perspective; I never pushed anyone to do things that one cannot accept and decide on their own. So he went back to work without anything clear. After 6 months he moved to US when he got his working visa. He would constantly call me to check on her: to pass on a message, to give her his number and vice versa. All of these I did dutifully, at some point it stopped, maybe due to exasperation or they must have seen its futility.
He would still constantly call and send e-mail messages (thank god, he finally learned how to use the internet). Messages became peppered with ‘miss you,’ ‘love you’ and ‘love you more.’ I started it and it seemed perfectly okay with him so it was a non-issue at all. He’s been bugging me to come visit him since he can’t go home until he has his green card. If I had the time and money, I would have done so, a long time ago. He always jokingly says that I have to save up and get my own place so he can come home for good and just stay with me as his alalay; that I have to make it good so I can take care of him. He always took care of me when we were still studying. I was always tempted to say something to ride on his joke, if it was indeed just a joke but, as always, I never said a word.
He never failed to call on special occasions, I even commented on his perfect timing for he would also call during the times that I have problems or when I’m down. So that when he failed to call on my last birthday, I e-mailed him how he could have forgotten, not even a card this time, which he usually sends weeks in advance. He still did not call, but replied thru e-mail that he did not forget, he was sorry but he was just so depressed over loosing someone, he just broke off with a guy. A guy? I was shocked, nah, more of surprised; not that I didn’t know or was completely clueless, but this was the first time he broke the barrier of our assumption; the ‘I know that you know that I know’ kind of assumption. Never have we discussed openly this part of our lives, it was always implied, or so I thought; none of us had the courage to say it openly until now. I didn’t know how to respond, so I nonchalantly e-mailed back okay and gave him my spiel on love and relationship. That relationship takes more than love to hold it together, that what is important is to end it while there’s still love, there is no use going on a relationship if there’s no more happiness in it, if one is miserable. I had to pound him with messages to move on, I just don’t know if I was getting through; weeks passed until I think, they got back together.
Finally, he called a month or so later; he was unusually serious. He confirmed they are still together, but he’s still not so happy. And at the same breath he also said he is contented and happy. That he is ready to die because he already got what he wished for: his own place, car, money, well paying job and in a matter of days his green card and “I have you and my family” I was struck by his words, he is contented and happy, because he has me? He did not say him, he said ‘you,’ and that is me… me… me! Oh well, so typical of me, I got scared and did not pursue, instead I asked him what’s in him that he can’t seem to move on. He did not say anything except to say he is still confused on what he really wants. He then jokingly said “ikaw kasi, di mo ako isinasama sa plano mo.” And on a more serious tone he added, that he is ready to give up everything he has to move back here. I got so tongue-tied; I did not really know how to handle everything. I only said, “lobat na ako” well that was true, we’ve been talking for more than an hour on my drive home, but I could have just run up to my room to charge that damn phone. I was already slumped sitting in the front step of our home. Stupid me, what was I thinking about?
I did not sleep well that night and the night after that and the night after that… I kept on thinking what I could have said. I could have told him everything: about how I feel; about how I could not keep on completely committing my self to anyone else because of him; how I always wished we’d end up together, grow old together; how much I love and care for him. I never really cared how he would take it, if he would reciprocate what I feel for him, if ever he would reject me. But so stupid of me, I can never get the courage to tell him that. He asked me if I’m ready to face death now as he is. I told him no., but I did not tell him the reason why. I did not have the courage to tell as he openly did. I still have to tell him everything before I can completely say that yes, I too am contented and happy as you are.
I could have said this and that… I could have done this and that… I could have…
These are simple words that kept on ringing on my mind, an afterthought that offers endless possibilities. Possibilities that are real and imagined blurred of any distinction on what is true and not. What is true anyway? What he says I believe is true, but what about the things left unsaid? They must also be true for how can they be imagined when I feel otherwise.
Ahhh, feeling! That is it! I was so soaked up with so many reasons my mind dictates that I forgot to recognize the most basic peculiarity a human being has: emotion, feeling. Reason has made me so inured. Yes, it has brought me where I am now, but am I completely happy? Shall I now let my instinct rule my mind? I could have… this and that, but what if fate really dictates what happened? What if, it was really meant to be that way? Am I going against the tide of destiny if I acted on what I could have said and done? What is destiny anyway, my destiny? Oh yes, my destiny is my journey, a journey with all the risks, which I was not willing to take, too afraid to take. I have toyed around with my destiny far too long. I now have to take the journey lain out before me; risk is nothing but just a part of it
The alchemist has said that the universe shall conspire to realize one’s dream; all you need to do is listen to whatever your heart dictates. So listen I did to my heart, though my mind said otherwise; and write a letter I did. (I thought of including here the letter I sent him but decided not to, I already sent it to him as my ‘gift’ so it’s not for me to share anymore). In that letter I too, finally broke the barrier of our assumption. I told him I wanted to come clean, to reclaim my pride of being honest and true especially to him. I admitted my being not so straight as an arrow; I admitted how much I love and care for him; that my love wishes him all the happiness he can find in whatever form and whomever this he will find; and that the only thing I can give him is my undying friendship and love.
It took me days and the completion of the first part of this story before I can hit the send button. That is it. I cannot do what ricky davao’s character did in ‘American Adobo’ - fly all the way from New York to Manila just in time to intercept a letter. I finally did it! Did I felt relieved? In a way yes, I became calm and happy despite being fidgety at times with all the thoughts, questions and, unknown possibilities that came rushing into my mind.
Everything is done but the waiting… and more waiting. I never left my phone out of my sight just in case he calls. It has to be fully charged all the time just in case… I must not accept other call just in case… I have to get out past from the basement parking where there is no signal just in case… I have to sleep with my phone beside me just in case… But a day has passed and there was no call. I must have hit that send/receive button a hundred times the following day just to make sure I was not missing anything. But no e-mail message either. Oh, yeah! He said he’ll be working double shift this week, so that must be it, he must be just too tired to log on and check his mail. Another day has gone by and still no response. I started cursing myself… what have I done? Did I scare him? Did I just loose my very best friend? I should have just left everything as it was, maybe that was really my destiny and I tried to alter it. Maybe I should have just taken comfort with the assumption; at least I would still have that glimmer of hope unlike now when I must have already lost everything. So many other questions came and went unanswered or came with more questions but still with no answer. Even morbid thoughts came rushing in: Isn’t it that he spoke of death when he told me he was contented and happy? Is it possible that…? Was it his premonition, his last…? Oh god, please no!!! I can never forgive myself… I have to call him; I have to call him to make sure he’s okay. Did he change his cell number? Why is it not on service? I have forgotten his landline; damn that’s what I get for expecting him to always make the call. He must be okay; if he is not his family must have already been all over his place and his brother or one of his sisters must have already called me by now, that is if they still got my number. Hey! What am I thinking about? Maybe he has not read it yet. Maybe he is still too tired with all the work he has not log on for quiet sometime. Or maybe, he must have already read it and I was wrong and he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Maybe…. maybe…
By the third day I was already resigned with my fate, whatever it may be. I must give him time, all the time he needs if time can heal the wound and pain I must have caused him. But how could he, after all these years? Another 2 days has passed still no call or e-mail message from him; life has to go on. I have to move on, that’s my mind telling me, but my heart says hang on. I can do nothing more but just wait. Finally, I got a call on the fifth day, just a short call, I was in the mall having dinner after pouring my heart out in the EDSA shrine, and he was just up readying for work: He said, “What’s new?” I nearly choked on the food I was eating the first time I said hello! After some more pleasantries he asked again, “what’s new”? To my mind, oh that’s my cue, how stupid of me!
And so I asked, “the e-mail I sent you, have you read it? Isn’t that new”? I can literally hear my heartbeat, waiting for the answer, which did not really take so long. He replied simply, “matagal ko ng alam yun”
“Ahhhh…” that was me heaving a sigh of relief.
“and so?” I wanted to probe more.
He just repeated what he said, “matagal ko ng alam” then added, “I’m still confused on what I really want.” I don’t really know if it was just me who kept on hearing it repeatedly on my head or he really said again the words “matagal ko ng alam.” He kept on rambling on, but my head was already swimming god knows where. Then it dawned on me, how foolish of me? How could I have doubted him? Love need not be discussed between us. Love speaks for itself, in its own language that we have understood long ago. Just like the comfort of silence we have come to accept between us. How foolish of me, I have told him this a long time ago; that one true test of our friendship has been the level of comfort we have achieved; that we no longer feel uncomfortable with silent pause between us; when silence does not compel anyone of us to say anything just to fill a void, for there is really no void to fill. Just the mere presence of being together is enough to fill any void; there is already a connection that no words can ever fill and he understood this, I have just forgotten; and now I remember, clearly. Love is the same thing; it is never discussed coz no words can ever capture the boundless emotion that one truly feels.
Although, he never said it in so many words, I understood him well. I need not ask him so many questions. I have gone through the same phase and it is only he who can resolve that inner conflict in him. I can never force him on anything; I know that somehow he really is happy knowing it by heart that we have, and will always have each other; and knowing and understanding this makes me immensely happy as well.
Well that is as far as the story goes for now, there is still no ‘the end’ for as I write this, the story still continues. I’m looking forward to the day of his homecoming, just like in old days.
pj August 2004
24 comments:
this represent the sentiment of the messages i initially got... just too bad i can't find all them...
" pj, i have high respect for you, but take this from me. yes, you are stupid if you do not send your message below to him PRONTO. do not be muted at a time when you have to express. do not allow one golden opportunity to be lost because you are unsure about possibilities. do not be scared because you truth and love and self-respect are greater than your fears.
what do you lose in being honest, ha? why be honest with us, yet can't come close to being honest at all with a friend with whom you've spent a chest load of triumphs and trials since the mid '80s? for god's sake, you barely know us. you've only met us when? two months? yet you can openly express these things with us?
how could you be toungue-tied suddenly with a peson whose friendship you have nurtured for decades? please, do not waste your honesty by being silent. not now. not ever.
this is the time when i refuse to be diplomatic at all. do it. just do it.
please claim your happiness under the sun.
you deserve to be happy."
this was a follow up message....
"brave man you, pj. my enduring reaction is a smile.
and i am smiling still...
i wish that you find comfort in honesty, discovering the wonderful twists and turns of friendship brave and true."
but surely, relationship that blossomed first out of friendship stands
on firmer grounds? The common mistake, even in heterosexuals, is that
nakakahiya ang maging mag on kapag barkada muna ang tinginan sa una.
Ewan ko ba at bakit ganun ang atin ng nakagisnan.
Wala akong nakikitang masama kung sa pagkakaibigan nagsisimula ang
isang magandang relasyon. Only if the relationship turns sour, then
the conflicts happen. Nagsusumbatan na. Because, they know each
other too well, there is no more limit. Yan lang ang downside. But
come to think of it, guys, there are more advantages than negatives if
the relationship all started on friendship.
Siguro, nga d katakataka yun sa kokonti ang me gusto ng ganitong
klaseng relasyon kasi nga masyado na silang comfortable sa isat isa.
At dun nagkakaroon ng doubt. Pero kung tutuusin, hayaan nyo lang at
ito ay muling sisibol pa.
PJ,
Before I say anything, I would like to salute your courage of "coming out" to your friend, and I could not wait to read (if ever you would care to share it to us...) what would happen next.
I bet many of us are or were in the same situation that you have...and like you, I, myself still have the nagging thoughts of "could-have-beens". Good for you that you got a very sensitive friend who has known what you feel or felt for him 15 years ago...and I (we) envy you for that. If you have read my No. 2 Vignettes, where I was talking about my college buddy who has "come out," like you, I also wanted to tell him what i felt but societal pressures dictated I should not. One time, I sent him a text message (because like you, we have also gone apart), and told him jokingly "kelan mo ako ililibre? Miss na kita e!" And he replied with . And with that I think he understood what I meant. And happy na ako dun. And like you, I long for his company and expect the day when he calls and tell me " I am free tonight. We can have dinner. My treat." And how I wish he would really have the time for me now because he is so darn busy. And I understand him for that. (ayan naging senti tuloy ako at na distract ako sa paggawa ng paper ko, hehehe).
And lastly, it is my wish that you really get together again...and malay mo, he just needs time to chew what you have just said before he can swallow it...after all, 15 years is not easy to throw away...malay mo...ikaw pala ang matagal na niyang hinahanap.
And thanks for the compliments...and it is a good piece huh! Meron na akong kapalit...
And guys, in the absence of my Vignettes, I will post someting that reflects the other part of my creative persona. I have done this after college but it was expensive then (mababa pa kasi ang sweldo ko nun, hehehe) and it always comes back to me, that I cannot resist.
I hope you will like it...
Mr. Goodbar
Ang tindi ng kabog ng dibdib ko as if ako ang nasa katayuan mo. I envy you for facing your fear.
How I wish I have the same guts to tell my bestfriend about my feelings for him. Friends na kami for more than a decade. Magkasama sa Jollibee noong college at hanggang ngayon open pa rin ang communication. I was so in love with him noong panahong yon at ako na ang kusang lumayo because I know wala talagang chance since he is straight.
I was his best man when he got married, the godfather of his firstborn and now that he is separated from his wife (who is a friend of mine as well), I am the one who provides emotional support for him to get by.
I’m sure he knows about my sexuality and my feelings for him. There were insinuations before na parang ‘pagbibigyan’ nya ako. But then, I don’t need that. I love him so much that I couldn’t imagine myself taking advantage of his friendship and kindness.
Now, I can honestly say that I’m over him. Time has healed my broken heart. Pag nag-uusap kami sa phone, wala ng bitterness. We would go out just like the old days and wala na yung guilt feeling coz I have grown to love him as my own brother.
My only regret is that although he has all the clues… I never had the courage to tell him myself that I was once in love with him. But maybe now I can tell him. Yeah… I probably will. Thanks to you.
Dear pj82513,
I found your profile in another site and became somewhat interested in you. I always want to know the most about the person or situation I am dealing with. Thus, I searched the net and found your journal entries/reflections in blogdrive.
I must admit that I was able to easily identify with your reflections. In a lot of sense, we were dealing with similar situations, but I must also admit that your courage and wisdom in confronting what your heart desires are something I don’t have (or at least do not have yet).
More than you’ll ever know, you have inspired me to look at my heart concerns in a different light, in a way that will bring them out of their current wishful thinking state. I know that it takes more than reading another person’s account of how emotions are handled before I can muster the courage to totally let go of what I have been feeling for years, but another person’s experience can very well spark the desire to abandon fears and what-if thoughts and embrace the reality that rejection in love is far less important that the feeling of freedom one will enjoy when what heart desires are finally revealed.
Like you, I met my best friend in school. With five years separating our ages, we were not classmates. In fact, he was a college freshman and I was in my ‘freshman’ year as a member of the college faculty when we met.
His group’s notoriousness caught my attention as one of the out-of-town school activity moderators. In fact, because I was constantly watching his group (eager to ‘catch’ them do a wrong move). He later confessed that during that time, he wanted to hit me even if it would mean being kicked-out of school because he found me to be ‘too intimidating’.
In one of the sessions, I chose to facilitate the discussion in his group and it became an opportunity for both of us to see each other in a different light. While I could still clearly see his ‘spoiled-brat-rich-kid’ aura, I was also able to appreciate his strong loyalty to his friends and his strong desire to prove his worth outside the shadow of his parents.
Before the activity ended, he wrote me a letter of thanks. He thanked me for the ‘inspiring’ words I uttered during the group sharing, which, he said, made him more convinced to do good in his studies. He apologized for his group’s behavior.
At that time, I thought that was it. He was not the first student who gave me such letter and there was no reason for me to expect that friendship was in the offing.
But what happened after was the most beautiful ‘friendship’ I have experienced.
He would see me daily in school……casual meetings, snacks, joking around…….He would use ‘seeing me’ as his way of hiding from his friends who wanted to convince him to skip classes and watch movies instead. He would use ‘seeing me’ as his way of rejecting what he called ‘bad influences’, because he wanted to make sure that he will do good in school.
He would ask me to check on his assignments and reports, as if my approval of the same was necessary before he could consider his work acceptable. Though there were few times when I offered to help him with his work (after seeing the heavy load he was carrying), but he always rejected my offers of assistance saying that he did not befriend me to have someone do his work. Each rejection made me appreciate him even more.
There would be no school day that we would not see each other. He arrived in school hours before his classes because he hanged-around in my office first.
We went one like that for about a year until I had to resign from my work in that school to work abroad. When I told him about the offer and my decision to accept the same, he was obviously sad but expressed support. He even helped me arranged my papers. The night before my scheduled departure, he invited for a dinner and there he gave me a ‘going away’ present (a cigarette case), which he said should make me remember him always.
While working abroad, I sent him letters (like you through snail mail) but he did not answer at all. I requested a friend to check with him and I was disheartened to learn that from a ‘jolly guy’, he became a ‘loner’. My other friend told me that he would arrive in school just in time for classes and leave as soon as all his classes were finished. He never hanged-around with his former ‘barkada’, and was seen always alone. That other friend of mine managed to ask him if he received my letters and he said ‘yes’ and told my friend to tell me that ‘galit ako sa kanya’.
I was bothered when I learned that. I can’t think of anything I wrote that would make him angry.
Things did not work out for me in my job abroad and I decided to return home and I was again accepted to teach in the same school. While I have been back in school for almost a month, he did not come to see me.
One day, as I was on my way out of the chapel, I saw him as he was on his way inside. I waited for him to come out and I approached him. I asked him how he was and instead of answering, he asked me how I was. I told him that I was back, and he asked me if I was back for good.
We talked and he poured his heart out. He said that he was ‘angry’ at me because I made him ‘dependent’ on my company and then dropped him like a ‘hot potato’ when I decided to work abroad. He said the first few months were most difficult for him as he felt there was no more ‘color’ in going to school……..he said that when I left, he spent the whole afternoon crying in the chapel asking why he needed to lose a friend……..
He told me that while he wanted us to still be friends, he did not want to be ‘close’ to me anymore, as he did not think he could bear another situation when I will have to ‘leave’ him again.
I told him how sorry I was to have caused him such pain, and told him that I respected his decision for us to friends but not ‘close’ friends.
But month or so after, we were as ‘inseparable’ as before. He was (and still is) my most treasured friend because he cared for me like no other. I was hospitalized one time and he was there the whole time. We shared with each other the secrets we never revealed to other friends.
All those years, I have learned to ‘love’ him more than what a friend should feel towards another friend. I never told him about my feelings for fear of losing him…………
His dad thanked me on his graduation day for ‘being instrumental in transforming my son to a very responsible man’………….my best friend thanked me for ‘being there always, except that one year when you left me’………………
After college, I continued with my school job and he managed his family business. Though we did not see each every day, we would communicate often. He often invited me to spend the weekend out of town or just spend the time going around the city.
There were many times when I wanted to tell him how much I love him, but I always ended up keeping my feelings to myself as I can’t imagine a life with him ‘hating’ me.
He eventually decided to try his luck in the US and for more than 2 years, I never heard from him.
I decided to leave school and tried to build a career in the private business sector. I was surprised that one day, I received a call from him. I was surprised because I did not tell him where I was working (and we had our home phone number changed as we changed our place of residence as well) and when I asked him how he managed to locate me, he simply said ‘I can find you wherever you are because there is no way the bond that is holding us together will ever be broken’. I even kidded that he was too dramatic and even philosophical (I later found out that when no one from our school was able to give him my contact details, he searched for common friends until he found one who knew where I can be contacted.)
He said that he was getting married and that he was inviting me for dinner so that he could introduce his wife-to-be. When we finally met, his fiancé told me that she felt she knew me well because my best friend shared with her all our escapades. My best friend told me that with the big number of cousins he has who wanted to be in his wedding entourage, he can no longer have his wish for me to stand as his best man. I told him that it would not be a problem.
He told me that I should attend his wedding and that he will never forgive me if I don’t.
The wedding day came, I initially decided to cook up some excuses for not attending but changed my mind on the last minute. When he saw me in the church, he ran to me and hugged me tight, with tears on his eyes, he told me how happy he was for having the most important persons in his life - “my family and you” – in that most important event.
In his speech at the wedding reception, he thanked his parents and he thanked me as well – ‘my best and most special friend”…………..(his wife later told me that there were times when she felt jealous of me because it seemed that for my friend, no one can ever match the friendship we share)……………….
My friend and his wife decided to settle in the US. From the time they left after the wedding, I never heard from him again.
I decided to accept another offer to work abroad. After working there for about 3 years, my office phone rang and it was my best friend on the other end of the line. I never bothered asking him how he knew my contact number in a foreign country because I already knew what his answer would be.
He called because he wanted to consult me about a big decision he had to make – his parents wanted him to manage their family business in the Philippines - if he were to follow the wishes of his parents, he would have to give up all his ‘achievements’ in New York. After a lengthy discussion, I told him to “follow his heart”……..because “no achievement in terms of money and fame can come close to the achievement in terms of doing what your heart desires……………….”
He decided to settle back in the Philippines and even offered me to work with him in their family business. I politely declined the same not because I was receiving a lot more money from the company I worked for abroad, but because I believe that it would be likely that we will have to compromise our friendship if we were to work together (especially in a boss-subordinate relationship)………..
I continued working abroad and he would call me from time to time, most of which during times when he had to make big and important decisions in his business and personal affairs.
A couple of years ago, I decided to settle back in the Philippines, myself. With my savings, I decided to start my own business. Just as I was considering various investment and business options, he called me, invited me to dinner and offered me a business partnership alternative.
I was not intending on pursuing the business partnership because I value our friendship so high that I do not want to risk breaking it because of business concerns. He prevailed over this ‘fear’ when he said: “from the first time you met me, I have always wanted to prove that I can do things outside the shadow of my parents. I believe that I was able to do that. In managing our family business, while I am happy doing it for my family, I feel that I am not totally free to achieve a level of success I know I can reach. I NEED YOU for us to be partners in this new business not because I can’t do it alone, BUT BECAUSE I KNOW SUCCESS WILL BE SWEETER IF I ACHIEVE IT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
And with a subtle ‘emotional blackmail’, he said….”you turned your back on me once, saying ‘no’ to this partnership offer will mean doing it again..”
I accepted his offer and we are now on our 2nd year in our very profitable and fast-growing business…….we are close as ever……
Recently, he had a very nasty fight with his wife……a little after midnight, he called and requested me to meet him. He was crying because he felt that his marriage was breaking….he expressed his frustrations over his wife’s failure to understand him….. he was crying and told me that he felt that I was the only one who can ever understand him fully…….in thanking me for hearing his heart out, he hugged me tightly and whispered to me….”I love you, promise me that you will never leave me….” (I told him that it is a promise I intend to keep.)
I wanted to tell him that I ‘love’ him as well…..but because of my usual ‘fear’, I held back what I intended to say. I told myself that the ‘love’ he said is a love a brother or a true friend feels, that it is not the ‘love’ I feel…………
Pj82513, reading your reflections somehow inspired me to step out of my fear and tell him what I truly feel for him……I can’t help but smile whenever I imagine him telling me “matagal ko ng alam yon”……………..
But then again, you are also right…..love need not be told……for ‘no words can ever capture the boundless emotion that one truly feels’………..
Having said this, I know that I owe it to myself and to him as well, for me to make him know about the kind of love I have for him………..
Is it deception for me to continue loving him without telling him how I truly feel? Judging from your experience, I know I will feel relieved and free after I tell him that my love goes beyond what friends share. Should I risk what we have now for such relief and freedom?
What we have is a beautiful friendship, though I must admit that in it, I have not been completely “free” (because I cannot openly express what I truly feel)…………….
Pj82513, thanks for the inspiration………….
Sincerely,
Will
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