I have recounted this story almost the same time or shortly after “my coming out” story. I just had to rehash this for the reason that I was recently confronted by the reality of being discovered again recently.
And to you my friend for discovering my world, hum the song “Vincent” as you read on….
Out to be discovered: this has been my attitude. There’s no need to hide or make up story for the web of confusion and lies will eventually caught up to tie me down and even raze my being. I have come to this realization when confronted with the realizaty that I have been discovered.
It is difficult to come out, considering all the demons one has to wrestle with; there are people involve: it’s not just the one who is coming out but equally important are the people on the receiving end. The bigger issue is not so much on the approval or acceptance but rather on the realization that the receiver has to face the fact as well. It is the very process itself of being confronted with the reality.
“They know that I know that they know” a very superficial presumption that I have always held in belief when dealing with family and friends. I don’t want to be complacent to think that my family and friends are so naive not to know or even notice. Part of my assumption is that they too, don't know how to open up, how to come out, ask and say it loud. It just so happen that circumstances most of the times put the burden on the giver to initiate the process. I have experienced that in the not too recent past to one of my high school friends, a close knit circle of friends I have always considered part of my extended family.
How did this happen? In one of our usual get-together one of them sidled up to me and started a conversation, opening with the usual and almost nauseating line of 'kelan ka mag-aasawa?' I could sense where he's leading, but more blah, blah, blah... almost stretching to more than an hour of more blah, blah, blah… He was actually more nervous and anxious than I was the whole time that he downed several bottles of beer while I just had one. I wanted to remain sober and in control for the eventuality, if ever this will lead to the inevitable.
Finally he said “I know that you know that I know…”
I replied simply “I know that you know that I know what?”
Unlike in a shoot out, no one wanted draw and shoot first, so blah, blah, blah... and more blah, blah, blah... finally he got the courage to say “c'mon, you can tell me...”
I said “tell what?” still feigning innocence/ignorance and this goes on for another half hour or so and I was actually enjoying every minute of it; seeing him so discomfited, uncomfortable...
Finally, I have to back down and help him out. I said “you know what? Ask me directly the question and I'll give it to you straight; the deal is, I won't give you a straight answer unless you have the courage to ask me directly the very question you've been dying to ask.”
He must have downed another bottle or 2 of beer and I literally have to coax him to blurt out the question before he finally said, not so much as a question but rather more of a statement “are you gay?”
I answered without hesitation “yes.”
It was just a short silence after that, and then we both heaved a sigh of relief and really had a good laugh, that some of our friends in the other table stopped their own discourse and looked at us. I really don't know if they had actually heard any of our conversation and I don't really care if they had come to know as well. I told him he was the only one I have told this for the simple reason that he was the only one who had the courage to seriously ask. If any of my friends and family would dare ask me the same question, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them the truth, otherwise I don't feel any obligation to proclaim to the whole world, who I am.
pj
june '06
And to you my friend for discovering my world, hum the song “Vincent” as you read on….
Out to be discovered: this has been my attitude. There’s no need to hide or make up story for the web of confusion and lies will eventually caught up to tie me down and even raze my being. I have come to this realization when confronted with the realizaty that I have been discovered.
It is difficult to come out, considering all the demons one has to wrestle with; there are people involve: it’s not just the one who is coming out but equally important are the people on the receiving end. The bigger issue is not so much on the approval or acceptance but rather on the realization that the receiver has to face the fact as well. It is the very process itself of being confronted with the reality.
“They know that I know that they know” a very superficial presumption that I have always held in belief when dealing with family and friends. I don’t want to be complacent to think that my family and friends are so naive not to know or even notice. Part of my assumption is that they too, don't know how to open up, how to come out, ask and say it loud. It just so happen that circumstances most of the times put the burden on the giver to initiate the process. I have experienced that in the not too recent past to one of my high school friends, a close knit circle of friends I have always considered part of my extended family.
How did this happen? In one of our usual get-together one of them sidled up to me and started a conversation, opening with the usual and almost nauseating line of 'kelan ka mag-aasawa?' I could sense where he's leading, but more blah, blah, blah... almost stretching to more than an hour of more blah, blah, blah… He was actually more nervous and anxious than I was the whole time that he downed several bottles of beer while I just had one. I wanted to remain sober and in control for the eventuality, if ever this will lead to the inevitable.
Finally he said “I know that you know that I know…”
I replied simply “I know that you know that I know what?”
Unlike in a shoot out, no one wanted draw and shoot first, so blah, blah, blah... and more blah, blah, blah... finally he got the courage to say “c'mon, you can tell me...”
I said “tell what?” still feigning innocence/ignorance and this goes on for another half hour or so and I was actually enjoying every minute of it; seeing him so discomfited, uncomfortable...
Finally, I have to back down and help him out. I said “you know what? Ask me directly the question and I'll give it to you straight; the deal is, I won't give you a straight answer unless you have the courage to ask me directly the very question you've been dying to ask.”
He must have downed another bottle or 2 of beer and I literally have to coax him to blurt out the question before he finally said, not so much as a question but rather more of a statement “are you gay?”
I answered without hesitation “yes.”
It was just a short silence after that, and then we both heaved a sigh of relief and really had a good laugh, that some of our friends in the other table stopped their own discourse and looked at us. I really don't know if they had actually heard any of our conversation and I don't really care if they had come to know as well. I told him he was the only one I have told this for the simple reason that he was the only one who had the courage to seriously ask. If any of my friends and family would dare ask me the same question, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them the truth, otherwise I don't feel any obligation to proclaim to the whole world, who I am.
pj
june '06
1 comment:
Good thing someone asked you. No one have asked me yet, and I'm raring to say YES.
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